Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
