i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My balls are so social today.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
