Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
