He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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