Umm I'm too high to move.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
