Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
