They should really pass out barf bags in church
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
