literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize