Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
