dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
