I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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