Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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