After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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