Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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