The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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