Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
