she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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