Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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