she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just threw up on my dentist
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
