Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
