dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize