Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
