Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize