I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
