It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
