if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
