dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Randomize
