he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
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