That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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