I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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