I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
