About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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