My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
