Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
