Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
