The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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