Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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