everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize