when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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