i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
