where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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