do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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