I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
