Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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