Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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