getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
