And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
barbara walters just said penis...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize