Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
