im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
