____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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