he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize