theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
