We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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