woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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