You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
