Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
