apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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