I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
