She is in my trunk
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
