Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
