i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
