I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
